


The forlorn tale of a greasy man with several slimy plans and there may be a wedding

by buttonedpatchwork, smol_british_fangirl



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: A crucifix of lust, A naked cheezit businessman, Alternate title: we started with a fairly tame rp and now here we are, And many many more! - Freeform, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Other, Poised like a sweet potato in a pistol, Supplier of Iconic Quotes Such As, Weddings, actually pretty vivid cheezit description so be warned..., avi and johann have an extremely moment, garfield and taako have a standoff, magnus and merle have a moment, penis - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-10-27 00:42:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17756531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buttonedpatchwork/pseuds/buttonedpatchwork, https://archiveofourown.org/users/smol_british_fangirl/pseuds/smol_british_fangirl
Summary: Well how do I describe the only true wonder of the word; there is life before Garfield and life after. You will never be the same.(Merle and Magnus get high and married, Avi and Johann get lusty, Garfield gets in on the action)





	1. Merle has a chin sheep

**Author's Note:**

  * For [The world](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=The+world).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merle has a stash of something strong,  
> Plant man and ruff boi make a dent in this stash and come up with a cunning plan

Magnus squints at the ground, his feet look very far away for some reason, like his legs look super long. “Merle, merle I think, I think I’m a giant.” Magnus stares with confusion, tilting his head to try and get a different perspective of his seemingly huge body, he ends up over balancing and falling off his log and onto the leaf strewn ground.  
“Oh, is ok now, I’m a gnome again.” He confirms as he stares at the burny demon on the floor which appears to be eating the sticks he had collected earlier.  
“Gotta say Merle, these plants are great, this demon is hilarious he can’t seem to work out that he can’t just sit on the sticks to eat them.” Magnus extends a hand to pat the demon but retracts it hastily when it seemingly finally decides to use its teeth and bites him.

Merle blinks slowly, then does it again except slower. "I feel like a Fantasy Microwave," he confesses, slowly extending one of his legs to its full length of 1'3". He measured. As he hears Magnus yelp he turns his head, only to see the alarming sight of nothing. He lifts his arm away from his face. "Wh," he begins. He pauses. "Wh," he finally concludes, nibbling the extremely potent brownie in his other hand. He was really hungry all of a sudden. He ate some more of the brownie. It only made it worse. "World hard and cold........ Mangus soft and warm.........,.." he drawls, reaching across a very short arm to brush Magnus' knee dramatically, before sadly brushing the fire dramatically instead. He quickly retracts his arm, which now feels worryingly like a microwave also.

“See its a nasty bitey demon.” Magnus groans, rubbing his unknowingly burnt hand in the dirt and only worsening the stinging pain. “I think he doesn’t like being pet.” He muses to himself before looking across at merle, the dwarf has his one wooden hand on Magnus bare knee and his skin hand in his mouth. Where had his trousers gone? Magnus asks himself, because some fiend has come along and cut half of them off, but he’s not to cold, at least the grumpy demon is good for something.  
“Taako’s getting hitchhiked, isn’t that strange, Taako committing to a relationship with a ghost no less, it’s crazy.” Magnus is pretty sure there’s something wrong with that statement but really he can’t tell what, maybe his friends name was Burrito, yeh that sounds right. “ like me and you are single as fuck, well sorta, and Burrito, the most solitary dude we know is gonna be married. Like I know we’ve been married but still, it’s weird.” Magnus moves his hand to the log and try’s rubbing it against that to stop the pain but that only makes it more pink and achy.  
“Do you miss being married?”

Merle does a very small approximation of a jig. Which means that he shakes his legs a little bit while sitting down. "I.. suppose so? I think I miss the idea of being married more than I miss my wife. After a few years what we had dwindled away and... Ohhh," he groans. "My feet don't feel like they exist." He shakes them a little more, a bit closer to an approximation of a dastardly, dastardly spider this time. "I know how you feel about marriage, after Julia. I'm sure you miss her infinitely more than I could ever miss Hekuba. We were friends, once, but... I don't know if we're even that, now." He swears for little to no reason, then notices Magnus' hand and tuts. "What have you done! Well, I gots to fix this." He reaches for his X-treme Teen Bible!, and before Magnus can stop him he casts a perfect healing spell. It would be amazing to see him do this sober. Of course, it's right then that he manages to stub his toe somehow. He swears for that reason.

Magnus watches as the blistering sore on his hand disappears and the pain subsides. He grins and presents his palm to the flames. “See that demon, we’ve got magic ya little shit.” He chuckles before turning to merle to respond to his answer. “Yeh like i really, really, reaaaallly miss her and I also get kinda lonely, being married is cool and nice when it’s right. Maybe we could steal catfits for a bit, I’m sure burrito wouldn’t mind.” This more just him thinking out loud. “Though as nice as he is I’m not sure it’d be quite right.” He continues and then proceeds to try and roll into a seated position but he misjudges the height of the log and just rolls into it. “Oh ok, ms log, but I’m not sure I’m that you’re really my type, but you know what they say, plenty of other sticks in the forest.” He says patting the log and then pushing himself upright, his head practically at Merle’s full standing height. “Wow you’re right, trees really are horny bastards.”

Merle looks spacily intrigued by something in the distance for a few moments. "Trees, huh... Horny bastards, huh..." He strokes his beard thoughtfully. He slowly makes his way back to the present, where Magnus is posing sexily on top of a log. Merle nods sagely, 40% to agree with Magnus and 60% just to look cool and old. "I'm sure Catfits is pretty good, but he has a married man already. Whose name is... Quesadilla. Dilla. Of course... Our good third horny boy. How could i forget his name? It's so memorable..." He chuckles prettily and does a small dance. Very small. There's no way he would ever invest in a medium sized dance. "Hey Mangus? You're a hot lad..." Merle loses his point. "I'm... Sure that if you ever want to move on , it would be easy to find someone," he continues, still doing a very small dance. However, as his dance is so very small, he could just be breathing. So he dances more extravagantly. Good luck!

“Why thank you, I think emotionally I’ll always be married to Julia, but physically This hand is free.” He means to show Merle his left hand at a comfortable distance but instead ends up patting the old dwarfs face. “You have many good qualities too, like you're up for anything in the bedroom, any entity would be lucky to have you.” Magnus complement him as his hand slowly flops down, stroking most of merle in the process. He then looks at merle and a thought enters his jumbled brain. “I have an idea, we both kinda wanna be Married and we are both pretty cool and fun and available. So maybe we could get married and if we did it soon we could beat tortilla and win at the marriage race.” Magnus explains his thought process, now he is unsure if the marriage race is actually happening but still, they could win it. Turns to merle and try’s to gauge his reaction, this is proving a little tricky as merle seems to be teleporting from side to side but by Like a finger length so hard to keep eye contact with.

Merle gasps. He gasps a little louder when Magnus shows no sign of acknowledgement. "We should totally get married!" he cries, not sure why the idea occurred to him so suddenly. "You're buff and sensitive and everything anyone could ever want in a man, and im none of those things! Opposites attract!" He cries again. He does a small victory dance. He is very proud of himself for this genius idea. "I have little goblin hands..." he trails off, unsure of where he was going with that. He suddenly feels really hungry again. He reaches around behind him to take another bite of the brownie. He can't even remember what he put in these.

Magnus finds himself nodding in response to Merle’s words, and he smiles with some confusion. “I’ve got bear paws so we balance out in that department.” He replies staring at his significantly sized fists. “We need to do it tonight if we’re gonna bean nachos, he and catpiss are getting hitched tomorrow so we must be quick.” Magnus thinks aloud, shifting his expression from cheerfully confused to pensive. “It’s gotta be special so we need to pick out perfect venue, and invite guests and then get some dope outfits. Though no inviting chilli, he might try to stop us so that he can win.” Magnus explains as he fumbles for another brownie and then eats it in its entirety in one bite.

Merle looks up into Magnus' red-tinted eyes from where he's fallen on the floor, and flexes gently. "We can NOT let Garbonzo win," he croaks decisively. Apparently his throat has decided to be croaky today. That's cool! That's cool! That's cool! That's cool! That's cool! That's cool! That's pretty cool! He strokes his beard. "Perfect venue, huh... Invite guests, huh... D... Dope outfits, huh..." He snaps his fingers suddenly. "I've got it!" He doesn't have it. He just said that because he thought it might invoke even a spark of inspiration. But now he does have it. "We should get married!" He croaks excitedly, amazed that he would come up with such a genius plan. Magnus suddenly looks like some sand. "I love what you've done with your hair," Merle rasps seductively. It isn't seductive in the least, but he's trying! He's trying. "W... should we invite Crabpics? I think with a name like that he sounds like an upstanding young fellow."

“Hmmm, but he might tell gespatchio and then we’re back on the train of him sabotaging us.” Magnus too extends a hand and starts to stroke Merle’s chin sheep to help him think, he’s not sure if it’s working but he is certain that they both look very intelligent. “We should invite angsty man jojo, the one you brought back from the dead, he’s always very party man and then maybe also aviary cause he’s always got good drinks on hand and that’s a big part of weddings.” Magnus says as he watches a menacing shape behind merle, he’s unsure if it’s a creature or monument but it looks like a plate shaped deity in the sky, he blinks a couple times and it seems unmoving so his interest is soon lost. “Now venue, somewhere special and cool, cause you know we gotta look.” He pauses to Dab but somehow manages to slap both himself and Merle in the process. “Dope as fuck.” He lowers his arm and places a hand on Merle’s head and try’s petting his hair, feeling he may milk the sheep dry of ideas so Merle's head mane doesn't get jealous.

Merle nods. He isn't certain what he's nodding at, but he is ABSOLUTELY SURE he strongly agrees with it. "Yoooou..... Yo... You know who we should go to for this?" He waves his hands gently. "GARFIELD." He does jazz hands, as is appropriate in this situation. "He's pretty much God! He can help us get married in an hour," he elaborates, before pausing. "Sorry, Panny... P... Panini...." he pats his tree arm gently. He does a pretty big dance this time, remniscient of his interpretive jazz dance, which could be interpreting pan. No one could ever be certain, Merle especially so. In doing so he knocks Magnus to the side slightly. He catches him in a gentle embrace, except Magnus is significantly larger than Merle and it ends up as more of a two-person doggypile. He pets Magnus's sideburns gingerly. They're just as magnificent as he had imagined.

Magnus accepts this as a sign to start their journey to the fantasy costco.  
“Your welcome to use my sideburns a reigns, I am quite a fast battle wagon.” Magnus warns as he begins to wiggle violently across the floor in the vauge direction of the home of Garfield the deals warlock, well he assumes it’s his home cause he never seems to leave, meaning he’s still be there at this late hour.  
“We can call Johnson and adrien on the way over, I’ve got their numbers if you go not.” Magnus offers, using his face to gesture to his great pocket to indicate the location of his talky Rock, he aould use his arms but he is a battle wagon and does not own any.

Merle holds onto Magnus' sideburns with a vice-like grip, fearing for his legs suddenly. He does not wish to walk in his inebriated state. What if he tripped over a rock? That'd be sooo heinous. So he just kinda hopes Magnus doesn't trip over any rocks while on his wiggling journey. He reaches into Magnus's pocket and retrieves his impressively sized rocky talky. He taps it a couple times, hoping it works. Honestly, even sober, he doesn't know how these things work. New fangled technology and all... His angsty internal monologue is interrupted by Jonah's groggy, groggy voice.  
"Magnus, for the last time, I'm a wandering spirit. I can't be part of your all-recorder Titanic tribute band, regardless of how awesome that sounds. I--" Johann is cut off by Merle's frantic waving of his hand into the mouthpiece.  
"Hhhhhhhhfhghey! Hey! Hey!" Merle cries real tears. "Jangis! We're are. Become marriage. I'm marry... I'm marry..."  
Jongo gasps dramatically and calls out to Avril. Merle can visualise him clutching his chest even though he can't hear it. He can, however, hear the rustling sounds of Jargo's ridiculous black cloak he insists on wearing now that he's "The Ultimate Goth". They sound like if paper was made of gentle. Like... If gentle was safer. Just in case...


	2. Funky time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During a very chaotic marital service   
> Tensions are cut (yes sexual tensions) between emo man and frat boy

“Hey, pss.” Avi pokes Johann (a little too hard) in the side to get his attention. Avi himself is very confused by what he’s watching, and he’s almost certainly not stuck enough to imagine this scene, Magnus and Merle are stood in the center of the fantasy costco with an empty samples table placed behind them that Merle keeps farting behind to recite what sounds like a wedding sermon. The older dwarf is wearing a perfectly fitted mermaid cut dress made solely for what look like thick leaves that have been badly bleached, Magnus’ garb is less impressive and there is also less of it, he’s simply wearing his a pair of plaid boxers and a black woolen bow tie that looks like one of angus recently knitted indevours (he’s gotta say, the kid is really improving) all topped of with a pair of bright red fishnets that he’s wearing as some sort of cardigan. Both men seem quite out of it and Avi isn’t sure what the deal is in this scenario all he really knows is that he can feel hay sticking to his trousers, worming it’s way out of the sack he’s sitting on and it’s very uncomfortable.  
“Do you know what this is?”

Johann has been choking back tears from the moment he received the fated phone call (the one about the wedding, not the ten calls preceeding that about Magnus' awesome new band) and now he finally allows himself to let go. A flood of tears gushes past his (obviously) perfectly maintained facade, and he flings himself into Avi's sleep-deprived, alcohol-subdued arms. "It--" he sobs. "It's s-so romantic!" He runs a hand through his shoulder-length scene kid hair dramatically. He thinks it looks pretty awesome... not to ring his own bell or anything. Of course. "T-they confessed their undying love to one another while under the influence of the dreaded marijuana, and now their true feelings are laid clear! It's so beautiful!"

“Oh that explains a lot.” Avi mutters to himself as he akwardly pats the sobbing Johann now squeezing the air from his lungs. He turns his attention back to what he understands to be a wedding, he’s not sure quite how legal it is for merle to be both one of the marriers and the attending cleric, though the less legal this is the better, easier to reverse when they crash, he’s fully aware of the mistakes that can be made whilst wasted and he has a tattoo on the back of his thigh to prove it. It seems now that the exchanging of the rings is underway, but to Avi they look more like bent pipe cleaners than rings, though this is probably exactly what they are.  
“Ooh-Kay, can’t breath mate.” Avi announces as Johannes grip gets a little too tight to be comfortable, patting his his emotional friend on the shoulder to try and get his attention, as out of the corner of his eye he sees Merle run off to the near by freezer and come waddling back with a blue box of fish gingers and place them on the table that must be serving as a substitute altar.

Johann curls up into Avi's chest as he registers the other man's complaints. He calms down for almost a full thirty seconds, just watching the ceremony, before he loses it again as they exchange rings. It's just so beautiful! This is the start of their life together! Also, Johann and Avi may or may not both be a little wasted. Well. The answer is they may not, as at least Johann is completely plastered, and if past performance is an indicator of future results, Avi is soon to fall down the same path. He watches Magnus pose dramatically next to the altar for a few moments, waving at him seductively, before turning his attention back to Avi. Best let the newlyweds have some privacy at their goldfish altar. He didn't especially want to know what they were going to do. That was a lie. He was impossibly curious. He wanted to know SO bad. But instead he gazed into Avi's cerulean orbs. Not his eyes, Avi was wearing a pair of great earrings. "Nice orbs, bro," Johann said, flexing.

“Thanks?” Avi replies, not quite sure what johann is referencing until he remembers that he’d actually remember to wear earrings today. “Oh, yes. Thank you.” He reiterates with a lot more certainty this time. He’s gotta say, johann does look pretty dam fine in his tux though it’s hard to get a good look at him as he’s buried himself in Avi’s chest and Avi can feel his unnecessary volume of tears seeping through his vest.  
He decides now that Johann probably isn’t going to let go of him and accepts his fate of feline paralysis, beginning to stoke Johann’s dark locks as he watches Merle fall to the floor after announcing that they may kiss the (non existent) bride before falling to the floor with the box of fish fingers and starts to enthusiastically make out with it, Magnus seems happy enough with some escap-é fish fingers that he is now eating raw, this is kinda embarrassing to watch as with every bite he seems shocked at how cold they are but eats them anyway.

Johann can hear Magnus's confused muttering from across the room. It's kind of tragic. He lifts up the droopy feather from the back of his hat which had fallen in front of his droopy eyes, and finds himself face to face with Avi. As much as he wants to make a witty comment, Avi's weird (affectionate???) expression combined with the stroking of his Totally Hot Hair is completely making his brain short circuit, so he settles for rolling off of Avi and onto the floor, taking a bowl of chips from a nearby table with him. The crash resounds throughout the large, shapely Fantasy Costco. Smooth move, Lute Dude, he mentally reprimands himself.

Garfield hears the crash from all the way across the building. "Oh boy, intruders? At this hour? What will poor ol' Garfield do with this one?" He chirps, in that horrifying, horrifying voice, before prowling in the vague direction of the crash. He could take them. He's pretty yoked, really.

Avi lunges forward in an attempt to catch johann but he doesn’t quite react in time and winces at the surprisingly loud thud that accompanies him as he hits the ground. Avi also does not react fast enough to save himself and falls directly on top of the fallen bard. He quickly props himself up, realising now that he is straddling his companion and can’t tell what will make this situation less akward, roll off speedily or pretend that this is totally intended and normal. After several seconds of awkward silence (only punctuated but the sounds of Merle frenching a box and the occasional ominous thump) and intense eye contact the first option is ruled out, it’s past that point now.   
He ends up deciding on a third option he hadn’t thought through, or really thought about at all, he leans down and begins a similar persuit to the dwarf just a couple meters away and begins to softly kiss him.

Johann is very much the box of fish fingers in this situation. He hadn't expected that, certainly, but he isn't about to complain. After so many years of ... really painful-to-watch pining, he figures it's about time they finally got some action around here. So he flips them roughly, him now straddling Avi, and gently tilts his chin upward. This was meant to be hot, initially, but then Johann stubbed his toe on the way over and now he has a situation. Cursing internally, he finds himself suddenly fixated on Avi's goatee. How could something so awful in everyday life suddenly appear so seductive? Well, he just can't be stopped. The ominous thumping grows louder. He doesn't question it.

Ok, this was, this was really going somewhere, Avi realise as johann flips their positions so that he is now on top. If he’s reading this right, which he really hopes he is, it’s about time for a couple layers to be removed and with a series of wiggles and some seconda of lost contact his vest is flung across the room. He raises a his non Dominant hand and slides his fingers though Johanns glossy mop of hair, using his other hand to begin to unbutton the other man’s extremely formal attire, starting slowly to allow johann opportunity to refuse him if he’s not down to get dirty just quite yet.

Garfield reaches the center isle and perches like a cumcwgat coloured gargoyle to watch the surroundings. Two thirds of the horny gentlemen are stealing his stock and tainting it, but as a true business man Garfield is certain he can make a special deal out of the saliva soaked box. His attention is then drawn and caught by two figures entangled on the linoleum floor and surrounded by a bed of crisp dust, Garfield lets out a low, and inquisitive purr.

Johann hurriedly unbuttons Avi's shirt as the shorter man unties his many, many unnecessary ribbons and they crash together like a hungry wave. But like. Platonic, bro, it's chill, it's cool. He gently fistbumps Avi before tearing off his own terrible hat and allowing it to join the vest in a damp, untrustworthy pile. But sexily. He suddenly finds himself tranfixed by Avi's beard once more. It's just... It would look so awful on anyone else, but somehow he makes it work. Avi is the one person on earth legally allowed to have a goatee. How does he still look hot? Who gave him the right? He feels his own 5 o'clock shadow self consciously. This wasn't exactly planned for, or he would have, like. Showered. But as he finally removes Avi's base layer, he is overtaken by another worry. He's wearing a necklace that says "trust no bitch" with a badly drawn frog doing a thumbs up wearing sunglasses. This is the man he is presumably about to get fucky with. Dear God.

Garfield poses seductively against the aisle wall, knocking off a few jars of fantasy pickles. "Hello boys," he purrs, but to no avail as they continue the worrying display. He clears his throat. "Hello, boys," he purrs more insistently. He extends his leg a little.

Avi follows Johann's gaze and catches sight of the jewels resting on his collar bone, seemily johann is so taken with the the dope necklace that’s he’s gotten distracted from the business at hand. Avi reacts quickly, skillfully unclipping the chain and flicking it over to the pile of unneeded items (he’s getting good at this because most of his partners seem to have a similar reaction of awe to his rad bling).   
He now has both hands free to tangle in Johanns hair, it always looked so lank and dull whenever he’s seen the bard hunched over his desk, frantically scribbling away at another countless composition, but now that he himself is the thing that johann is hunched over it’s a lot more appealing, Soft strands brushing his face as they French the hell out of each other, tickling his ears as they collide and Seemingly very erotic to run his fingers through.  
He’s almost certain he hears a voice, almost a seductive growl, but he takes no notice of it. He doesn’t have time to investigate strange noises coming from else where, he’s about to make some pretty strange noises of his own.

Johann gasps as Avi runs his hands through his hair again. He... Didn't know he had a thing for that, but. Huh. Well. Every day's a school day. He moves down to Avi's neck, trying to draw out every moment. He could swear he hears something, and almost hesitates, but continues regardless. If he stopped at every noise this would be really, really bad sex. He's taken aback by how good Avi looks without the worrying necklace.  
"You're beautiful," he mumbles into Avi's chest, before catching himself. He. Really meant that. Oh, he's in love with Avi. Cool. Fine. Rad, bro. Totally gnarly. Roughly five minutes before they fuck is perhaps not the best time to realise this, but here he is, and here he's realising. Cool cool cool. He runs a hand around the hemline of Avi's drawstring jeans (??? who taught this man to dress?) as if asking permission. He's just gonna pretend he didn't have a startling revelation. Cool okay cool.

Garfield poses more insistently, jutting out his leg all impudent or whatever.   
"How can I help you fellows," he drawls, to no acknowledgement. "Come here often?"

Avi bats away the the large ginger rat with his hand resentfully, he doesn’t have any interest in giant talking rodents at the moment. He Then moves his hand down to help johann remove his jeans, good thing he’s wearing his drawstrings otherwise they’d have a belt and buttons and zip to deal with before even beging the awkward attempts to erotically worm his way out of the tight fitting trousers. Johanns words only now begin to truly register with him, his unsure if he missheard him, though there is a large part of him that really hopes he hasn’t, if he is being truthful, Avi feels the same way.   
He’s not a very forward guy when it comes down to feelings but being this intimate with someone can quickly let your guard down and before he can think he’s already blurted it out.  
“I love you too.” He breaths softly between kisses.

Garfield clasps a Cheeto paw to his Brest, rejected so heartlessly, how could this happen in his own establishment. Though Garfield is a resilient cat, rivalling that hyperactive tiger all younglings are taught about, so he crouches down like a freshly baked roll and waits for his moment to arise.

Johann grabs the back of Avi's neck and brings their mouths together in a violent clash. There's some teeth involved but he doesn't care. The only thing he can bring himself to think about is the man under him and his intense feelings for him, as cliche as that sounds. He steps back for a moment to give Avi space to wriggle sexily and begin to remove his own pantaloons. Literally pantaloons. He's really dressed for the occasion. His heart keeps fluttering. He feels like he's in a romcom, even though he's technically dead, but... It's a really nice feeling, after everything they've been through together.


	3. Garfield and things get funkier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garfield finds funny goings on in his homestead and decides to get in on the action 
> 
> (Good set to the song love cats :))

Garfield struts up to the shorter man, admiring his attractive wriggle. He suuure knows how to wriggle!  
"You suuure know how to wriggle," he says in his hottest voice, which is quite a terrible sound really. He slowly retracts his leg as he is continually ignored, I mean they’ve got be doing this on purpouse, how could they ignore such a statement cheeseball as he. He sinks down onto his haunches, he’s just going to have to use his cat-like reflexes to get his greasy bod into this action.  
He waits, poised like a sweet potato in a pistol. He has to pick the perfect moment to weasel his way between his companions as then practice their partner press-ups, his naturally lubricated body will be off great advantage to him when the time comes.  
They soon begin to taunt him, making screeches like he’s heard from his brethren on their wild persisted before their wings were untimely clipped. But still he is patient, it’s like a great deal, too early and you'll lose too much, too late and you’ll miss out, he has to be a business man in this situation, a naked cheezit businessman.  
And then he sees it, as they pause to breathe for several seconds. He curls up and then launches himself like a horny cheese ball. He lands in a perfect planking position, stretched horizontally between their chests, like a crucifix of lust.

Taako rushes in and lets out a pained screech that would rival even the most worried tree, and collapses to his knees. All of his meticulous planning... Undone. Gone. And for this. This... Monstrosity of a weed-fueled marriage and... Mother nature in action. With a second hornier mother nature on top and the most disgustingly horny, greasy orange freak of nature inbetween. Taako gapes at the horrific sight before him. They say that bad experiences feel like a dream, but what stands out to him is how real this is. It was his wedding day, his best friends' apparent reception, and his worst nightmare. He can't take his eyes off of it. Every time he even contemplates, his gaze is drawn back towards that awful, crunchy inverse of a chode. It's like the goblin of a man took everything even the vague shape of attractive from a chode and just stripped it away, leaving nothing but a sad, sad orange worm. But it isn't a worm. It's so much worse. It Has A Bone The Likes Of Which Taako Has Never Seen. He gags loudly, hoping to attract even a little attention from the passionate heap on the floor and their little babboon familiar, who appears to be t-posing. "NOT on the wedding day. This Is NOT How We Do," he cries indignantly, spritzing them with his Cock-Blockin' spritzer.

Garfield hisses and retracts like a horses schlong as the harsh spray hits him. Using the sweat his bread has produced to aid him Worming backwards and jumping up to his full height of a large beach ball, shamelessly thrusting his magnificent wotsit towards the wizard to allow him to take in its full allure.  
“You have disturbed my me sandwich," he growls. His fur would be sticking on end in irritation if it hadn’t been slicked down by their homemade butter. He is about to continue when the damned elf squirts him again and causes two disasterous occurances. Firstly his man made stapler is broken apart as the emo falls from his mount and rolls across the linoleum floor, finally becoming aware of the situation and grabbing his clothes and partner of pleasure and they make a bolt for the door, sheepish expressions worn by both of them. Though worse than the loss of his greasy body toasty, the cold has so disheartened his cheddar-like member that it now resembles a damp sock. He stares from it to Taako and waddles over to the wizard, legs in straddle the entire (meter long) journey, stopping right in front of the chef and gesturing to his own saddened sausage.

Taako shakes his fist at the dos horny boys as they make their retreat.  
"Darned kids!" He cries as the one with the goatee -- he shudders -- slips behind the door and closes it a little too quickly. "And stay out!"  
Before he can clear his thoughts, he hears a disgruntled slapping sound, like castonets made of corn and sad, sad cheese, on the cobblestone floor of the fantasy costco. His heart falls in his chest as he finally registers the shadow roughly the shape of an incredibly disappointing grilled cheese projecting onto the wall. He slowly turns and is again exposed to the terrible, terrible glory of the gremlin man's Little Dealy, as he refers to it in his weekly blog updates. If you're thinkin' one and three quarter inches, you're thinkin' correct. Garfield apparently measures every week, so you best know it's accurate. Taako feels rage and disgust boiling inside of him at the sight of that little dude's squashed surprise, all jutting out and impudent regardless of its current state, and finally snaps.   
"This Is NOT HOW WE DO."  
He feels what little evocation magic he knows rush to the surface as he sets the very tip of the warlock's hat (which had apparently been attached to his head the entire time via a very thorough chin strap?) ablaze. He feels a wave of relief wash over him as he finally realises it's over. Garfield Is Nothing Without His Sexy, Sexy Hat.

Garfield fees a weight lifted from his cranium as the warmth of a barbecue grill (only 100 gold if you come to the fantasy cosco during our Candlenights Sale!) flashes above him.  
His first reaction is to protect his nick-nack from another outburst of flame, because as delicious as a roasted corn dog is he does not wish any harm to come to his mature cheddar manhood.  
He slowly shuffles backwards, almost sliding on the greasy shadow on the floor, not turning away from the wizard in fear that he may turn his flames on his perfectly poised peach. 

He take one moment to stare Taako directly in the eye and quickly pull his slimy paws from his groin to give him one last image of his imaculate cheese-string before flashing him a sly grin and poofing out of view in a cloud of cheesy potato starch, leaving but an overpowering sent of deep Fried Stilton in his wake.


End file.
